I’m a recovering people-pleaser. And, believe me, this recovery thing is taking too long for my taste.
As part of my tasks, I would bring onto myself the duty to entertain whoever found themselves forced to be in my company: I would make small talk —which I hate—and try to get them to have a good time, even if it meant draining my emotional battery.
It didn’t matter if I knew I would never see this person again. For some reason, I needed them to think highly of me, to believe that I was a fascinating, intriguing entity.
The results, of course, were always catastrophic. Sure, sometimes I would succeed at my goal; however, most of the time, I would come across as trying too hard and end up exhausted.
I would like to tell you I have entirely forsaken my people-pleasing habit, but that is a long life battle in which I will make progress one step at a time.
However, I have come to some conclusions that I will share here, primarily for my own benefit because putting my ideas in writing has proven to be the best way for me to realize what I need to do moving forward.
The Pitfalls of Overthinking and Impressing Others
The problem when you try too hard to come across as “interesting” is that you will not be in the moment. Instead, all your energy is focused on the other person: Did they laugh at your joke? Did they find your comments fascinating? Do they want to know more?
Therefore, you are too busy in your own head to even pay attention to who they are. Worst of all, you are not interacting with them. Instead, you are performing, trying to play the “cool” person role.
Do it long enough, and you risk never finding out who you are.
Before you focus on trying to impress others, it would be better to listen, to actually listen to them, and react in the way that comes naturally to you. When there’s something you don’t understand, ask questions instead of pretending you know what they are talking about. When you have something to add, you share.
And, of course, there’s always the chance that you and the other person have nothing to talk about, in which case, there’s nothing wrong with ending the interaction in a friendly way.
You don’t have to be friends with everybody.
Rediscovering Your True Self
Do you even know what you like? Or do you perhaps wait until the other person shows their cards before you dare make a move? Do you agree with everything they say out of fear they will feel attacked?
Believe it or not, a healthy amount of friction could provide you with the most exciting conversation you’ll ever have.
Sure, maybe you both love cinema, but they think CGI has made movies better, while you are a practical effects devotee. You could have a fascinating dialogue about the pros and cons of each approach, and you could come away from the conversation with many learnings you didn’t possess before.
Disagreements don’t have to equal conflict.
So embrace what you truly care about while maintaining an attitude of curiosity about the other person’s interests. Still, always remember you don’t have to betray yourself just so that someone will “maybe” get to like you.
When I think about some of the most interesting conversations I have ever had, they were always those in which an actual dialogue took place. They almost looked like an intellectual game of ping-pong, mainly because all the participants were having fun.
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